Ok, so you have arrived at university and you are clearly determined to make the most of this opportunity to further your education and increase your knowledge of your chosen subject area. However, making it to Graduation day with a respectable degree class to your name is not easy. Upon your arrival at university you will be surrounded by posters and flyers for various social events, which are designed to deter you from your intended goal. Avoid these events at all cost, they are a cunning scheme devised by the government and carried out by the students’ union to reduce the amount of students graduating with good degrees. This is due to the insufficient amount of graduate jobs and various news reports highlighting the increasing amount of graduates who are unemployed, which is devaluing university degrees. So to stop you being a victim of this scandal, here is an essential guide to help you avoid making friends and therefore not be seduced away from your study by ludicrous social activities…


1. “Housemates”

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Your bedroom door should remain closed at all times. Venturing out into the shared living space should only be done in the dead of the night when other occupants are effectively comatosed by the vast amount of alcohol promotions that conveniently target students, (another cunning move by the government). This way you will not accidentally run into someone who might try and make friends with you. These shared living areas are commonly places where those dangerous friendships are initially formed, so beware.

2. “Societies”

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Societies are organised groups of people who have some useless, time wasting hobby or interest in common. They meet up and play sport, discuss things, go out on bar crawls and insanely just help each other fail their degrees. The scariest thing about these tempting distractions is that there are over a hundred of them at most universities and there will most definitely be a few that appeal to you. The best way to avoid being drawn in is to stay away from the freshers’ fair, which is the event during freshers’ week where a representative from each degree destroying collective tries to lure you into their spiral of decline.

3. “Lectures”

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You must make sure you arrive at lectures just before the lecturer is about to start, this way you will miss the awkward few minutes before the lecture where people talk to each other to avoid sitting in silence. When selecting a seat, look for one where you will not be in communicating distance with anyone else. Also try to avoid the entrance, as latecomers are often a problem and will creep through the door and simply dive into the nearest available seat to avoid being detected. These people will often then try to engage in communication to catch up on notes they have missed from the beginning or to simply share the lurid details of their social life that made them late.